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I'm wondering -- is something like

ジョンが迷っていると気づいたら、何とかしないと、と。ジョンなら絶対に出来る、と言った瞬間、突然ハンドルをつかんで引いた。 その痛烈な性格の変化は今でも鮮明に覚えている。

considered sloppy writing, or is it acceptable?

These are the intended topics/subjects:

（私は）ジョンが迷っていると気づいたら、何とかしないと、と。（私が）ジョンなら絶対に出来る、と言った瞬間、（ジョンは）突然ハンドルをつかんで引いた。（私は）その痛烈な性格の変化は今でも鮮明に覚えている。

Namely, in the bolded sentence, the topic switches from 私 to ジョン, made especially confusing due to the subject of the embedded sentence under 瞬間 being 私, in addition to the surrounding sentences having 私 as their topic.

In English fiction, it's not uncommon to intentionally make the reader think about who is doing or saying what by leaving things more ambiguous than one normally would. I assume it's the same with Japanese fiction, but I'm wondering if this specific method doing of it is considered acceptable.

Darius Jahandarie
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  • I can totally understand if this gets closed for being too subjective. That said, I often have composition questions like this, and I think they are probably of interest to many learners. I am curious how to properly formulate them for JLSE. – Darius Jahandarie Jun 10 '15 at 22:51
  • ハンドルをつかんで[弾]{はじ}いた？or [弾]{ひ}いた? 何のハンドル？　（「突然で」の「で」は、いりません） – Chocolate Jun 10 '15 at 23:33
  • @Unknown Thanks, fixed. No idea what handle, I just made up the examples. :) – Darius Jahandarie Jun 10 '15 at 23:39

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That is totally normal and acceptable, which is exactly why you as well as others understood the sentence itself and the passage.

If a "person" performs an unexpected action the moment you have made a statement, that person would not be yourself nearly 100% of the time, would it? Thus, the author is successfully communicating with the readers.

In addition, the sentence that follows backs up the reader's understanding of the bolded sentence because one would not say 「その痛烈な性格の変化」 to describe a change in one's own character.

Generally speaking, placing a subject where it can be omitted for the reader comprehension could easily break the rhythm and flow of the writing, which any professional writer would like to avoid doing.